(The Lifetime Struggle with the Results of Childhood Sexual Abuse)
People who know me
Won’t wish to know this,
But twenty long years is all I can take.
Then the psychotic child buried deep within
claws her way to the surface
Daily sanity checks,
While battles ensue.
Dormant nightmares emerge,
To wreck havoc on what’s left
of a fragile, damaged soul.
Why, oh why, after all this time
can the past have such a hold
On the present?
Will the primeval lament of the victim be assuaged,
or will HE finally,
win in the end?
My inner child is 13 years old.
Even after all these years, she is infatuated,
In love with her hero and protector.
She worships him.
In her eyes, he is handsome and all powerful,
A church leader well respected by his peers and community.
He takes her places, and gives her gifts.
He never forgets to remind her how important she is to him,
Showering her with attention.
He makes her feel needed and special.
Sex is new to her and he is her teacher.
He knows how to excite her
And her body responds to his cues.
These are things she will never forget.
Because she is so young, she is hardwired to him,
Innately determined sexually, to him forevermore.
They have a secret life.
If discovered, he would lose everything, his job, family, vocation.
She, too, would lose everything,
Every single thing important to her…in a word…him.
Secondary to this child is the fear instilled in her by him,
Explaining what could happen to her family,
If anyone ever found out – and it would be all her fault.
He gives her permission to lie and be deceitful
In order to protect his interests.
She is in love and does so willingly over time.
The consequences of not following his advice
Are too horrible to consider…
The end of the world –
her world, forever.
But still the question remains,
Why am I so different?
Well for one thing, it could be the abuse.
Or maybe it’s because I can’t remember …
Thirteen? I was 13?
Funny, I don’t recollect anything but the abuse…
Welcome to my world.
Maybe that’s caused by the trauma?
Yes trauma changes people, we do tend to see the world differently.
Others think that just because we can recognize this fact,
That we should be able to make the changes
To become normal,
React like everyone else, a non traumatized person …
It is mind over matter – is it not?
Nope. Not even close.
Hyper-vigilant and sensitive to any minute change
We live our lives damaged, needy, feeling abandoned,
Expecting the worst
Not the way a life should be lived, ever.